A Fragile Heart

Don't really know why I am writing, maybe just to jot down some of the many thoughts and feelings that keep running through my head. Today my heart just feels so fragile. So many things burden me to pray. My heart is full of that old familiar feeling of fear today. My friend commented last night that the Bible says 365 times to Fear Not. Well, this year has 366 days so that leaves one day uncovered, right? But seriously, so much is unknown. Test results and more tests tomorrow, issues with church that could cause yet another split, friends that are going through horrible situations and a couple that are battling divorce. So much hurt and so much uncertainty. So hard to realize that none of this surprises God and that He means nothing for our harm but plans to prosper us through it all.

I have always had what is considered a fragile heart I suppose. I have always been tenderhearted, easily hurt and have always had this strange ability to feel and see pain in others even if there is an outward expression of happiness. Like when you are with them, something just doesn't feel right. I am learning day by day, and moment by moment that my fragile heart is what keeps me drawing near to God. I find myself praying for God to break my heart more and more, something that most people probably don't pray for. But, it's in that broken or fragile state that so much growth and learning occurs. The first time I had my heart broken by God was a little over a year ago when I got saved and it was the most incredibly painful, yet the most awesome feeling I have ever experienced. He has broken it many times since then and I have learned to pray for my enemies and out of that have experienced forgiveness toward them and love for them that I could not have just conjured up on my own. I have learned through trial that sometimes trial is meant to bring God Glory, not necessarily that you have done anything wrong. I have also learned that trials increase humility in me and I am more apt to give credit to God than myself for the little accomplishments. I wish I could say that I am to the point that I am praying for God to give me anything that brings Him Glory, but I have yet to arrive there. I am still selfish and still human and I want everything to just be all right.

So today, in the fragile state that I find myself, I am yet again seeking God's Help and His Face to know that He knows my every thought and my every fear and that He is indeed in control and plans for this to all be for His Good. I don't want to waste a minute on pity or myself, I want to learn what God has planned for me to learn in this. I must use this fear to learn trust and not let it consume me as it so often does. Satan knows my weaknesses, but he can not see my thoughts and I am not giving him victory on this one.

Father God, You know my thoughts, You know my fears, You know what I need before I even ask. Lord, Help me to get what You want me to get from all of this, help me to allow myself to be broken so that I can glean from all of this what You wish for me to get. In your sweet name I pray...