Whom Shall I Fear?

Fear, the worst four letter word in the English Language for me. The Bible speaks all about fear, "Fear Not", "The Lord is my Light and My Salvation, Whom shall I fear?". How come I can't just grab hold of the verses and go with them? The Bible Study I have been doing has been talking about strongholds and wanting us to identify the ones that keep us from doing God's Work in our lives and make it a goal to abolish them. For me, the one that immediately popped into my mind is fear. I am afraid of so much. Afraid of failure, afraid of dissapointment, afraid of rejection, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the known. The mountains seem so large, my faith, it seems so small. Sometimes I am so paralyzed by fear, that I can't focus on anything else.

Most recently, my fear is of the known. The doctors want to put me on a medication tomorrow for a couple of weeks that has horrific side effects for me. I only have to take it for two weeks at night, but it feels like an eternity when I am taking it. I try to shift my thoughts to something else like my children, my family, or my friends or church, but, the truth is, when I am alone, the fear consumes my thoughts and threatens to consume me. I have cried and prayed and put it all in God's Hands, so I feel like I should be at peace, but I am not. I know that God has a plan in all of this that I can not see and that it will all work out for His and ultimately my good, but right now I am so afraid.

I know, it could always be much, much worse and for God's Grace and Mercy I am ever so thankful but for some reason I always want more. I know that we are supposed to be content where we are at and count our blessings. I know that. But, I can't make my heart believe what my head already knows. So, for now, I continue to cry and pray until I can't cry and pray anymore. Maybe the trials are to show me that only God can see me through, and that He will. But, if circumstances are not to change and I am to remain in this state forever, I have to learn not to fear and to trust God with all of my heart.

"Abba Father, I need You like never before. My heart and my mind are consumed with fear instead of being consumed with You. Father, I ask that you bless the hands of the doctors and give them the wisdom and knowledge to help stop the pain and confusion, but Lord if it is not Your Will, help me to be content where I am at. You are the Great Physician and the Healer and You promise to never leave or forsake me. Help me know you are near. Help me to know that you are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower and very present help in time of need. God help my unbelief. In your sweet name I pray...