Be anxious for nothing...

That is what the scripture says, "Be anxious for NOTHING". That is, however anything but where I am. I feel like a two ton elephant is standing right in the middle of my chest and I can't breathe. I am so overwhelmed I don't know what end is up. I don't want to pray anymore, I don't want to read scripture anymore, all I want to do is, well, NOTHING. I feel like I am just existing sometimes, like I am just going through the motions and barely getting by. I know that this is not the life that God intended for me.

I told some people yesterday that I had in my mind if I were praying fervently and if I were reading more scripture, everything else would fall into place. Well, I tried that and it didn't and I have quit. I know that God is not going to leave me nor forsake me, but I have left Him. I feel so empty, and yet so full all at the same time. In my head I know I should want to press on, but in my heart, I just don't. There is supposedly all of this movement of the Holy Spirit going on in our church, but for the life of me, I can't feel It anymore. I feel nothing.

I am developing into this person that I do not recognize. I have anger that I did not know existed, and it scares me to death. I scream at my children for the least little things, and the fear in their eyes is almost unbearable for me. I cry in frustration because I want to stop, but I can't. I honestly hate the person I am becoming. I know that I am definitely not who God planned me to be right now.

I was asked yesterday to help lead a Bible Study at church. Part of me thinks that it may be God trying to draw me back to Him, and the other part thinks that maybe I should be taught instead of leading this time. I am, after all, the youngest in the group and I am supposed to learn from the older women, right?

So, where to go from here? I have no idea. But, I am writing it down so that if God does happen to bring me to the other side of this valley, I can see Him more clearly and see His hand print all over me.

Help Me Lord, for I can no longer feel Your Presence...