Who Can Satisfy?

Who can satisfy my soul like You?

The first line to one of my favorite praise songs. The answer, no one or nothing. So why do I keep searching? Why do I long for what is tangible in my thoughts and beliefs, when all the while, God is more tangible than my wildest imagination. All I have to do is cry out to Him. He promised to never leave Me or forsake me. Every time the ground beneath me gets shaky, I worry, I get scared, I get totally stressed out. Why not talk it out with Him? I don't know. God wrote me a personal love letter when He penned the Bible. He wants to have a relationship with me. His relationship with me is the only thing that will ever truly satisfy me. He is a Jealous God and will not share me with any other god. God loves me so much that He sent his Son to die for me! Jesus knew no sin, yet suffered, bled and died and would have still if I was the only person on earth. How much better can I be told that I am loved by God?

I look around and I see so much evil, so much chaos and confusion, such overwhelming circumstances and life threatening to consume me and I automatically assume that I did something to get me there. Often times I did, but you know what? Not always. Sometimes it is the people around me. So what am I to do? I know that I am to examine myself to see if there is fault and if there is correct it. My problem is I tend to be too hard on myself and don't allow myself to be human at times. I have been thinking about what a friend said last night, that when we continually put ourselves down and don't like ourselves, we are saying that God didn't do a good job or that He made a mistake. WOW! God doesn't make mistakes and when He looks at me, because of my salvation, He sees Jesus.

So where to go from here? I think maybe I will actually try to talk to God. Try to form that relationship that He desires and that is the only thing that will satisfy my searching soul. Sure, maybe it will feel awkward at first, but that's kind of how friendships begin anyway, it's awkward talking to strangers, but eventually bonds are formed and hopefully lifelong relationships are begun.

Lord, I am so scared. I know that I should desire a relationship with You, but the truth is that I am scared of You and I have lost my "want to". I have grown up knowing You as only an Angry God that is ready to strike me down at any moment. Show me that You truly want me to come to You. Show me that I am to be convicted and not condemned. Draw me close to You and never let me go! Give me back my "want to" so that I can find the peace and joy that comes from only knowing You! Thank You that You never give up on me and You never leave me or forsake me. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

No Room at the Inn...

While they were in Bethlehem, the time came for Mary to have the baby, and she gave birth to her first son. Because there were no rooms left in the inn, she wrapped the baby with pieces of cloth and laid him in a box where animals are fed. Luke 2:6-7

Okay, so the version I grew up with said that she wrapped him in swaddling clothes and placed him in a manger. Swaddling clothes, the clothes they used to clean animals with. Jesus was born into the most humble of circumstances. His father, Joseph, was by far not the most prominent man in Nazareth, yet God chose him to be Jesus's earthly father. Mary was not a wealthy girl, but was humble of heart and willing to do ANYTHING for the cause of Jesus so she was chosen to be his mother. I think it is pretty significant that Jesus was born into such humility. Being born to poor parents made Him someone even the poorest person could identify with, and ultimately becoming the King of all Kings helped the rich to identify with Him. He is living proof that the poor will be rich in Heaven. And who wouldn't want to forsake earthly treasure for the riches that God has in Heaven?

And why was Jesus wrapped in clothes that were meant to wash the animals and put in something that animals were fed from? All because the inn was full and the innkeeper was too busy collecting money to prepare a place for them. Sure, it was prophecy fulfilled, but the innkeeper certainly played a part in that fulfillment.

The part that sticks out in the whole Christmas Story for me the most, though, is that there was NO ROOM AT THE INN. It makes me think and wonder, do I have room for Jesus in my Spiritual Inn? My body is the temple for Christ, but is it so crowded with all the earthly junk and treasures, that there is no room for Jesus to enter in? The innkeeper was too busy to see that the child that was in the manger was the Messiah. I wonder if, like me, he later realized that he was so busy that he had sent Messiah to a shed? I wonder if he got so caught up that first Christmas Morning in all of his success and happiness, that he didn't realize that a miracle was taking place right before his very eyes? I wonder if in all of my struggles and problems and dirtiness that I have, do I forget to invite Jesus in my inn to help clean up? I think that sometimes I forget that Jesus is THE ANSWER and there is no other who can love me like Him. Jesus's Yoke is easy and His Burden, light. So why am I so reluctant to let Him in?

Father God, I thank You for THE MOST WONDROUS GIFT of Jesus that You sent down from Heaven over 2000 years ago. I thank You that You were willing to sacrifice Your only Son so that I could live with You for eternity. Help me to remember this Christmas and always that perfect gift. Help me to refrain from letting my inn get too full. In your sweet name I pray...

Consider it Pure Joy...

(James 1:1-4 NIV) James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings. {2} Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, {3} because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. {4} Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything

Okay, so today is one of those days I can't help but think. Not that I don't think every day, but you know, one of those deep thinking days. I have been asking God what the purpose is in suffering. I have family members that are facing some tough trials, friends that are facing seemingly incurable illnesses, friends that are going through nasty horrible divorces, some friends and family that have lost jobs, and some that have gone astray from God all together because of what they thought was a hopeless situation. Life just seems hard for so many right now and so unfair by human standards.

So, what have I come up with? Well, first thing that happened was these verses were called to mind by the Holy Spirit. Consider it pure joy? How in the world are you supposed to consider it joy? When life is going along great and all of a sudden you hit a big pothole and life as you once knew it is changed for a length of time and possibly forever for what seems like the worse, you are supposed to Praise God and rejoice? Okay, I don't know about you, but for me, it has to be a choice and a major one at that, to choose joy no matter what the circumstance. A friend told me today that she chooses to cling to the truth that God has the greater plan in suffering. Truth is, God's plan is always greater and better, but not always by our human standards. Our minds are so finite and we cannot grasp His plans for hope and future, plans to prosper us. We have to CHOOSE to cling to Him.

In the Beth Moore Study of Daniel, I learned that sometimes you have to be refined through the fire. Makes me think of a silversmith working with silver. The fire has to get really hot and he has to keep stirring to see his reflection before the piece is complete. I wonder if that is what is happening? I wonder if God is stirring the pot so He can see His reflection in us? I wonder if we will choose to allow Him to work with us now, or if we have to be continually melted down so He can again begin stirring our pot to bring something beautiful out of us, something good? I wonder how long we will allow ourselves to end up in a pit? I wonder...

Consider it pure joy...that's what we have to do. Life happens and trials happen and life is not always easy, but God is at work and Praise Him that His Ways are not our ways. Praise Him that He never leaves us or forsakes us...

Father God, You are the Potter and I am the clay. If it takes trials and suffering to make me what You want me to be, make me the willing vessel to be molded to reflect Your Image. In your sweet name I pray...

Buddy

Okay, so this is Buddy. Maddie has been asking for a dog of her own for a long time. Well, we found out my nieces that live next door were getting a miniature daschund for Christmas this year and I finally got Michael to cave by telling him that no matter what else we got her, it wouldn't compare to what Katy and Brooke were getting. Buddy is about 8 inches long and about 3 inches high. He is the cutest and cuddliest little ball of fur, but he is a handful. Still, he is a handful that is well worth it. He brings Maddie such joy already and she only got him yesterday after school! I wish I had brought the camera to capture the look on her face when she saw him! She has carried him everywhere and I am not sure he knows how to walk anymore. Her comment to me was that he was the greatest gift ever and that she didn't need anything else for Christmas! The joy and happiness that were on her little face will not be something I will soon forget.

So, as I was thinking about her happiness and about Buddy this morning, I tried to think of things that brought me joy and happiness. Family and friends were at the top of my list, followed by an unexpected card or letter in the mail, and then of course all the little things that money can buy. But, then I got to thinking, those things are only temporal, fleeting, passing. My joy should come from knowing that Jesus died for me and that I am going to spend eternity in Heaven because He loves me so. Such a hard concept for me to grasp, why He would love me so, why if I was the only one here he still would have died on that Old Rugged Cross for me! Even still, so true! The love of God is forever, never fleeting, never passing. His Joy is to be our strength! Sorrow only lasts for a night and then Joy comes in the Morning! What better gift can we receive but the salvation and love that comes from knowing Jesus? What greater Joy can we find? I would be quick to say without a doubt that the answer is NONE! So today I am thankful for little Buddy because he has helped me to remember where my joy comes from, where my hope lies, and what my happiness is in!

Father God, thank you for Maddie and for Buddy. Thank you for all of the little things that remind me that my joy and my strength and my peace can only be found in You. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

Daddy's Hunting Buddy

Yesterday was Andrew's first hunting trip. He put on his camouflage, his hunting boots, and his orange vest that is as big as he is and headed off with his daddy to the hunting land. Michael said he was totally into the whole experience. He took the binoculars and looked for deer the whole time. He finally saw a spike come out from the woods and shot at it and hit it with his BB gun. He was so proud, he thought he had killed him! He also got to see two deer doing what he called wrestling and we call mating, something Michael says he has never seen in one of his hunting experiences. I am so proud of my little hunter and how cute he is getting to be!

Be anxious for nothing...

That is what the scripture says, "Be anxious for NOTHING". That is, however anything but where I am. I feel like a two ton elephant is standing right in the middle of my chest and I can't breathe. I am so overwhelmed I don't know what end is up. I don't want to pray anymore, I don't want to read scripture anymore, all I want to do is, well, NOTHING. I feel like I am just existing sometimes, like I am just going through the motions and barely getting by. I know that this is not the life that God intended for me.

I told some people yesterday that I had in my mind if I were praying fervently and if I were reading more scripture, everything else would fall into place. Well, I tried that and it didn't and I have quit. I know that God is not going to leave me nor forsake me, but I have left Him. I feel so empty, and yet so full all at the same time. In my head I know I should want to press on, but in my heart, I just don't. There is supposedly all of this movement of the Holy Spirit going on in our church, but for the life of me, I can't feel It anymore. I feel nothing.

I am developing into this person that I do not recognize. I have anger that I did not know existed, and it scares me to death. I scream at my children for the least little things, and the fear in their eyes is almost unbearable for me. I cry in frustration because I want to stop, but I can't. I honestly hate the person I am becoming. I know that I am definitely not who God planned me to be right now.

I was asked yesterday to help lead a Bible Study at church. Part of me thinks that it may be God trying to draw me back to Him, and the other part thinks that maybe I should be taught instead of leading this time. I am, after all, the youngest in the group and I am supposed to learn from the older women, right?

So, where to go from here? I have no idea. But, I am writing it down so that if God does happen to bring me to the other side of this valley, I can see Him more clearly and see His hand print all over me.

Help Me Lord, for I can no longer feel Your Presence...

My Baby Boy is Four

My beautiful baby boy turned four years old this morning! He is the one in the middle, Andrew. Hard to believe that he will be starting school next year. He is such a mama's boy! And such a miracle from God!

I remember all too well the day Andrew was born. I had chosen to have him by C-section because I had labored with his sister Maddie for three days and still ended up with a c-section. Anyway, we checked into Southern Regional Hospital at 5:30 on the morning of November 5, 2004. We were to be the second surgery, but the first didn't show up so we got bumped to 7:15. After the catheter and spinal block, we were all set to go. The doctor talked the entire time about how it was her first time doing the c-section the way she did it. What a comfort that was to know that I was her guinea pig-LOL. Anyway, after about 30 minutes, out came Michael Andrew Ellsworth. He was measured at 8 lbs and 16 ounces and 21 inches long. He was my "little" baby. He was screaming and beautiful and perfect. Then something happened. When they took him to the nursery, he started to have breathing difficulty. So, in walks the nurse while I am still in surgery to proclaim that Andrew was in the NICU. I have never been so scared, and so sad in my life. After they sewed me up, they took me by the NICU to see him and, still drunk and quite sick from the spinal block, I saw my beautiful baby with 3 heads and 4 arms, but I could tell he had monitors all over him. Then, I vaguely remember the nurse saying they thought he had a heart problem. But, prayer from all around was being heard in Heaven and by midnight that night, my baby was ready to go to the regular nursery and was declared healthy-Praise the Lord!

Andrew has a mind of his own, I joke about how he was stubborn from birth. He is constantly trying to convince you of why things should go his way and not yours. And, you know what? Sometimes he is just so darn cute that I let him win! He loves any kind of sport and anything that is boyish and a little mischevious. He recently joined the children's choir at church and is always singing songs about Jesus, and whether he has the words exactly right or not, he thinks they are. Through his little voice singing and talking about Jesus, I am reminded of how my Jesus loves even me.

Happy Birthday Andrew! Mommy loves you so much! Now I guess we are off to make cupcakes for Cubbies tonight to celebrate! :)

There is a reason for every season...

Where to begin? Life is just plain tough. I don't know how else to say it. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed, and I don't know what to do. Prayer and scripture reading used to be an automatic for me, now they seem more like just another thing on my list of chores. And, you know what? I KNOW better. I know I should be reading more and praying more. How am I to stand on God's Word if I don't know what His Word says? That is one of my downfalls, I have a hard time praying when life gets tough. I have a hard time reading the Bible when life gets tough. I just feel so distant, so empty. So hurt, and so very scared. I don't understand why a God so kind and loving allows people to go through so much pain. All the people I know to be close to the Lord have experienced incredible trials, yet still stand firm in the Faith. How come I don't do that?

Could it possibly be that God has a reason for this season in life? Could it be that when I get to the next season in life, that I am going to look back and see His Mighty Hand all over it? Psalm 3:3 says that God is the Lifter of My Head, and right now I could truly use my head being lifted. I am falling so short in so many areas. Almost deliberate sin if you will. But, I have found these things to be comfort and found them to be survival, and I am having a hard time breaking free from that bondage. I need so badly to see my body as the temple for God, but instead I live as if it is my own and it is unlovely and unlovable. I feel myself slipping away from God, but I can't seem to find my way back. I need to see myself through God's Eyes and take the blinders off of my own. I feel so empty and so scared and so alone-even though I am not.

Father God please empty me and fill me with Your Perfect Undying Love. My heart is so full and I am so broken. Help me to see myself through your eyes and help me to turn around and be the woman You created me to be. Help me to leave the sin that so easily ensnares me and to find my comfort and peace in you. In your sweet name I pray...

A Little More God and a Lot Less Church

Okay, so I know that sounds kind of weird. But, here is where my thoughts have been for quite some time now on church. I don't want this to sound bad, but I feel like I am there more than I am home, and I really know little more than I did before I left to go about the God that I serve. We have Sunday School and Sunday Morning Service, Choir Practice and Sunday Evening Service, Monday Night FAITH and Wednesday Night Awanas. I could have signed up for softball if I wanted to, and that would make four nights a week. Don't know if all of this is because my life feels like such a mess right now and I am resentful, or if it is true. But, I feel like church has lost it's meaning some for me. Like it is nothing more than a contest and fellowship to see who is the best. I leave most days feeling condemned rather than convicted. Countless drama is always surrounding what is supposed to be the most sacred of places that we can meet here on earth. The talk in the church is about the latest mess ups in people's lives and the latest happenings, rarely about serving God. It's like people think that they are saved and they need to do nothing more to get into Heaven, so they don't try. There are cliques everywhere and everyone wants to be in the other's business. Guess I am sort of on overload. But, I thought that we come to church for the fellowship, yes, but most importantly, to reach and teach the lost and disciple the younger ones in Christ that are there with us and outside the walls. Just one look around at all of the faces and eyes and you can see the sadness and disappointment that lies within and you will know that we are not sharing Jesus and binding up the brokenhearted.

What happened to wanting more of Jesus? Now it seems it is every man for himself and we are there just as a social gathering. If we get to loud in my class playing a game, the children's director comes over and says that we may be offending the adult class next door so we need to keep it down. What happened to using whatever method necessary for teaching about salvation in Christ? Why is everyone worried about pleasing others and not God? Isn't it true that if we please God, then that is all that matters and it will please most people anyway? Tithes and offerings are down, but the demand for help from the church is up. God raises up kingdoms and takes them down, and I don't want to be part of a kingdom that He chooses to take down. Times are growing increasingly evil and I am afraid we are getting less and less prepared for the battle that is about to begin. I am afraid that as a church and probably safe to say as a nation, that we are slowly letting our guard down. Lord help us all.

Father God, help me to seek you always. Help me not to get caught up in the latest gossip, and help me to realize that it is not all about me, but it truly is ALL ABOUT YOU, Jesus. Help our church and our nation to put on the spiritual armor necessary for the battle that has already begun. In your sweet name I pray...

I Will Not Be Moved

I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved. I will make mistakes, I will face heartaches, but I will not be moved. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved. These are the words to one of my new favorite songs by Natalie Grant-"I Will Not Be Moved." This morning they fall fresh and new on my heart as if I haven't heard the song over and over again, but for the first time. My heart is so heavy and so confused. My life is a mess right now, many things I once held sacred seem to be crumbling around me. But, let's face it, life is just plain hard. Sure, it is full of mountaintop experiences that we would never trade for anything, but it is also full of disappointments and valleys, some that we would trade and some not. My life is so not what I dreamed or planned at the moment, in fact, it is probably almost opposite. But, I am trying to come to the realization that God indeed has the better plan and He is working things for His Good. As the old hymn says, "Farther along we'll know all about it, farther along we'll understand why".

I found myself thinking about how I don't deserve all of the chaos and trial that is going on around me, but then I thought, you know what? I truly deserve to die. Truth be known, we all do and it is only by God's Grace and by Jesus's death on the cross that we aren't dead in our sin. So, today I am choosing to turn my eyes and my heart to Jesus, to thank Him for His Love and His Mercy. To thank Him for the confusion and pain because it means I can feel and that I am alive and so blessed when I truly deserve so much less. To say, here I am Lord, use me. Make me a willing vessel, to be poured out and filled with more of You. Make me the salt and light of the world that You intend me to be. Even if it means I have to go through the fire, I'd rather go through the fire with You, Lord, than to walk in the most beautiful and humanly safest places without you.

Thank You, Lord, that You choose to love me...in Your Precious Name I pray...

A Fragile Heart

Don't really know why I am writing, maybe just to jot down some of the many thoughts and feelings that keep running through my head. Today my heart just feels so fragile. So many things burden me to pray. My heart is full of that old familiar feeling of fear today. My friend commented last night that the Bible says 365 times to Fear Not. Well, this year has 366 days so that leaves one day uncovered, right? But seriously, so much is unknown. Test results and more tests tomorrow, issues with church that could cause yet another split, friends that are going through horrible situations and a couple that are battling divorce. So much hurt and so much uncertainty. So hard to realize that none of this surprises God and that He means nothing for our harm but plans to prosper us through it all.

I have always had what is considered a fragile heart I suppose. I have always been tenderhearted, easily hurt and have always had this strange ability to feel and see pain in others even if there is an outward expression of happiness. Like when you are with them, something just doesn't feel right. I am learning day by day, and moment by moment that my fragile heart is what keeps me drawing near to God. I find myself praying for God to break my heart more and more, something that most people probably don't pray for. But, it's in that broken or fragile state that so much growth and learning occurs. The first time I had my heart broken by God was a little over a year ago when I got saved and it was the most incredibly painful, yet the most awesome feeling I have ever experienced. He has broken it many times since then and I have learned to pray for my enemies and out of that have experienced forgiveness toward them and love for them that I could not have just conjured up on my own. I have learned through trial that sometimes trial is meant to bring God Glory, not necessarily that you have done anything wrong. I have also learned that trials increase humility in me and I am more apt to give credit to God than myself for the little accomplishments. I wish I could say that I am to the point that I am praying for God to give me anything that brings Him Glory, but I have yet to arrive there. I am still selfish and still human and I want everything to just be all right.

So today, in the fragile state that I find myself, I am yet again seeking God's Help and His Face to know that He knows my every thought and my every fear and that He is indeed in control and plans for this to all be for His Good. I don't want to waste a minute on pity or myself, I want to learn what God has planned for me to learn in this. I must use this fear to learn trust and not let it consume me as it so often does. Satan knows my weaknesses, but he can not see my thoughts and I am not giving him victory on this one.

Father God, You know my thoughts, You know my fears, You know what I need before I even ask. Lord, Help me to get what You want me to get from all of this, help me to allow myself to be broken so that I can glean from all of this what You wish for me to get. In your sweet name I pray...

Be Still and Know...

Be Still-one of my favorite songs we sing in the choir. Today that message really hits home. I am an incredibly anxious person. I always have to be moving and I always want answers and I want them an hour before I ask the question. But, today, God tells me to wait. I am currently working on memorizing Psalm 40 in which the first verse says, "I waited patiently on the Lord and He turned to me and heard my cry." Patience is so hard, but it is something that God wants us to develop, especially in our relationship with Him. In this day and time, it's hard to be still for five minutes, much less for the time that God asks when He wants to teach us something. We are always so busy, running from here to there and doing this and that and getting seemingly nothing done.

The lyrics of the song say to "Be Still and know that He is God, Be still and know that He is Holy. Consider all that He has done, Stand in awe and be amazed, and know that He will never change." So, why is it so difficult to listen for the quiet still small voice of God? After all, when God appeared to Elijah on the mountain, it wasn't through the fire or the rushing wind, it was through a quiet gentle breeze. Sometimes God just wants us to sit and listen. Luci Swindoll had a message at Women of Faith last year entitled, "Sit down, Shut up, and Let go." I think that is what God wants me to do. Sit down and listen to Him, shut up because I am not hearing Him, and let go of the control I am trying to have over every situation. I am having a hard time waiting. I am waiting for test results and I am waiting with friends who are waiting for test results and I want them now and I want them to be all right. I know that time and time again God has proven faithful to make every situation all right, but what if this time everything is not all right?

Lord, help me to trust You today and help me to just Be Still and Know. Help me to spend the time that You desire in Your Word and in waiting on You. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

For the Glory of God...

Okay, so I looked up the term revive in the dictionary and it means "to bring back to life". This week at our church is Revival. I learned a few days ago that apparently that is an occasion only had in a Baptist Church, but I have grown up Baptist and not been much elsewhere so how was I to know? Anyway, the word has really got me thinking. Obviously we are not literally raising people from the dead this week, that would just be creepy. But, what about those who are dead in their faith? Those who once believed in a God that could work miracles and that any and everything was possible with Him? What happens in a person's life that brings them to the point of spiritual death? Could it be that they prayed and prayed for something and they felt like God was either not listening or just didn't care? Could it be that they have lost something or someone so precious that they are angry with Him because they don't understand why He took something or someone they thought they couldn't live without?

The pastor this week has touched my heart with the reason I sometimes feel spiritually dead, it is my unbelief. My unbelief that God could truly love someone as wretched as me. He made the statement that if you don't believe that God loves you in the good times, you are going to have a hard time trusting that He will see you through the bad times. I mean, if you don't believe someone loves you, you aren't going to believe that he or she is going to help you in your time of trouble and humanly speaking, they generally don't, do they? But that's the thing about God. God has that Agape love that no matter who we are, where we are, where we've been, or what we've done, He is there to meet our every need and most of our wants. He knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows what we need and don't need.

Sometimes our trials are like the death of Lazarus, so the Glory of God may be seen through the situation. Had Lazarus not died and been in the grave for 4 days before Jesus commanded him raised from the dead, God would not have been glorified and people would have still suffered from the sin of unbelief. Sometimes they are like Paul and Silas while they were in the prison, so that just one person may come to know our Jesus through our pain and suffering.

So I guess my question is, do you truly believe that God loves you no matter what? Are you willing to suffer or go through trials with Him so that He can be glorified or so that just one person may come to know Jesus as his/her Savior? Trust Him and believe Him today, that He loves you unconditionally.

John 3:16-For God so loved (your name) that He gave His one and only Son, that if (your name) believed in Him, (your name)should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Lord, help my unbelief. In your sweet name I pray...

Granddaddy's Hands

Okay, so I know the title of the song is really "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn but how fitting it is today. Yesterday was Homecoming at church and though it was nice to take time to celebrate the church's 168th anniversary with family and friends, it had a certain sadness there for me. Homecoming makes me think of my beloved Granddaddy that has been gone home to live with Jesus for 2 years now. Oh, how I really miss him!

Granddaddy had the biggest hands of anyone I've ever seen in my life! He wasn't a particularly large man, about average height and weight, but the years of hard work made his hands larger. He wore a size 14 in a ring! The jewelers had to custom make him a wedding ring. His hands may have been calloused and rough, but oh the love that was in them. I was the first grandchild, and yes, the only granddaughter on that side of the family so I was the joy of his heart. He taught me at a very young age to play ball, which I have loved all of my life. He took me on my very first trip to Six Flags as a kid, and boy did I ever fall in love with that place. We had a little plastic car and a Little People Bus that he would sit and play with us with and we always pretended we were taking a trip to Six Flags. In my teen years, he would become a nuisance because he followed me to school to find out where I parked and if he didn't like it, he'd ask me to park somewhere else. I understand now that he was trying to protect me, but then he was an embarrassment.

As a young adult, when I felt unlovely or even ugly, all I had to do was to be around my Granddaddy and he would lift me up by telling me how beautiful I was. He always made sure to tell me two or three times before we parted, "I love you youngin' " . Oh, how I took that love for granted so often.

But, the greatest thing I remember about my Granddaddy is the love he had for Jesus. It showed all over his face and he didn't mind telling others about Him either. Oh, and I forgot to mention, my Granddaddy was the first to ever take us to church and the first to introduce me to Jesus. Rarely a weekend passed that we didn't spend Saturday Night with Nanny and Granddaddy and go to church on Sunday Morning. After church, we would go back to his house where Nanny had lunch prepared and he would talk to me, my brother, and my cousin about church and about Jesus. As I look back today, I am so grateful for a Granddaddy that was willing to seem weird and uncool to his grandchildren just to share the Awesome Love of Christ with them. I wouldn't go on to truly accept Jesus as my Savior until I was 30 years old, but the foundation was laid early on in my formative years.

Granddaddy's favorite song was "One Day at a Time" and that is exactly how he lived life. When I found out that he was sick and was going to die because there was no treatment effective for the type of cancer he had, I stood and sang that song in church one Sunday Night and watched him clap and my Nanny cry the entire time. It was all that I could do to hold it together to make it through. He later asked me if I would sing that song at his funeral, but, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much. For a while, I kicked myself for not singing it, but now I realize that he probably wanted me to sing it more for me than for him. More to bring healing for the pain he knew I'd experience.

But, as I think today about the love of my Granddaddy's hands, I can't help but think about the love of my Heavenly Father's Hands. He paints for me every morning a beautiful portrait in the sky and I awaken to new mercies every day. He longs to tell me He loves me and how beautiful He thinks I am. He delights in me! His hands are big too, even bigger than my Granddaddy's and big enough to wrap around me to comfort me when I am sad, and to clap in excitement with me when I am happy. Like my Granddaddy, He longs for me to know Him more. He desires that I take life "One Day at a Time" because He wants me to enjoy every day He has given me, through pain and sadness or through Joy and happiness. May I never develop an embarrassment for him, though, that I developed in those years for my Granddaddy.

Heavenly Father I just thank you today for the life of my Granddaddy. Thank you for the man that was truly willing to risk it all to make sure I knew about you. Thank you for the love that he showed me unconditionally and that he made me feel loved through it all. Lord You know how I miss him so, how I long to just hear him tell me he loves me just one more time, but You also give me more comfort than he was ever capable of doing and were it not for losing him when I thought it was too early, I would not have sought You and ultimately accepted You as my Lord and Savior. God, may you provide everyone with a "Granddaddy" in their life, someone who is not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ and not ashamed to share it with others. Make me that someone that is not ashamed. In your sweet name I pray...

Praise You in this Storm...

A wise friend recently told me that when you are caught in a valley between two mountains and it starts to rain, that God is washing the nutrients from the mountaintop down into the valley to help with growth. Apparently that is true in gardening, but oh, how true it is in life as well. Right now, I feel like I am caught in the valley between mountains with no strength to climb either one. Could it be that God is trying to nourish and feed me so that I will grow? Could it be that He wants me to just "Be Still" or to "Sit Down, Shut Up, and Let Go?" I think it is in human nature to always want to be on the mountaintop. After all, pain and suffering are not among the pleasantries in life, but often they are the places where we tend to seek God the most. Why do we wait until we hit that bump in the road to seek His Face?

My heart today sings, "Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." Oh, how I want to praise God no matter what life throws my way. After all, God is a jealous God and loves to hear His Name Praised. So far in my life, there have been many twists and turns and uncertainties and pains, but God has been there all along and has protected me with His Plan in mind. So, if I know that He's always been there, why am I so afraid He will turn from me now?

Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Father God, help me today to KNOW that You plan to prosper me. God help me to know that there is HOPE even in the darkest valleys. Help me to see the growth and receive Your Nutrients that come from Your Word. Help me to KNOW that you will never harm me and that You will never leave me or forsake me. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

My Little Cheerleader

So this is my cheerleader, Maddie. Today was her first game of the season as an UPWARD Cheerleader. She absolutely loves it! Funny, I never got along with the cheerleaders in school, I guess God does have a sense of humor after all. :) This cheerleading is different though. They don't cheer for specific teams and the score is not kept in the game. It is all about fun and learning about Jesus while learning the basics of cheerleading and football. There is always prayer at the beginning of the game and a halftime devotion in the middle. A great outreach for this church as well, I think.

But, as I was watching all the cheerleading, I got to thinking how no matter how bad one of the cheerleaders is, they all encourage and help each other to learn. If they don't work together to build that pyramid it will fall or if they aren't cheering together, they can't be heard. I think that God puts "cheerleaders" in our lives and we call them friends and family. People that help lift you up when you are falling. People that encourage and cheer you on when you just can't find the strength to make it another step. People that, when you are stuck in the valley between two tall mountains and haven't got a clue how to climb either one, throw you a rope and pull you to the top. How blessed I am to have so many cheerleaders in my life!

So, I guess what I am thinking, is that we are all called in one way or another to be cheerleaders. To build each other up and help each other grow stronger in the body of Christ. To take that load from the friend that just can't carry it any more and help her take it to Jesus, the Great Physician, all the while telling her, just a little while til we're on the mountaintop Praising Him. We all need a cheerleader at some point in our lives, are you ready to take that roll? Let us lift up and encourage one another until Christ Returns again!

Father, I thank you for my cheerleaders in my life. I thank you that though I am weak, You are strong. Help me, Lord, to be ever mindful of the pain and suffering around me and be there to uplift and encourage. Help me to let Your Light Shine through the darkest of times so that others can see Jesus in me. Thank You that Your ways are not my ways and Your timing is not mine. I love You, Abba Father. In your sweet name I pray...

Expect God's Beauty

So I open up my calendar this afternoon and I flip to the quote of the day and it is this: "If you've been settling for much less than what God has promised you in His Word, it's not too late. Start expecting God's beauty in your life. Ask Him to help you realize just how precious you are to Him."

Expect God's Beauty. In every aspect of life. Wow! How difficult that seems for me. But oh how much easier and more pleasant life would be if I could. Truthfully, right now I feel stuck. Feel discouraged. Feel scared. Feel sad. Feel confused. So, what should I do?

Oh, God, how it hurts to the deepest parts of my soul. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I see your beauty? God, I need You in ways I don't even know I need You, but You already know that. God, I want to want to know You more, but the truth is right now, I don't. I can't even form a complete thought in my head without it taking off to another place. God, change my want to. Let me feel Your Love deep inside. Help me to know I am precious in Your Sight. Help me surrender the control I try to have on my life. Empty this broken vessel and fill me up with more of You. In your sweet name I pray...Amen

Why Don't I get it?

Okay, so it's no secret that yesterday was not a good day for me. I didn't get the news I wanted from the doctor and frankly, I am frustrated. I feel stuck. Feel-yes, here's that word again, afraid. I just keep thinking, I know God has a plan in all of this, and maybe there is something He is trying to teach me, but why don't I just get it already? I'm so tired of living in fear and feeling defeated. So tired of feeling like I take two steps forward just to take three steps back. I know that God doesn't keep a record of wrong because the Bible says He casts our sin as "Far as the East is from the West", but I feel like maybe it's my fault, like life might be easier if I had made better choices. And, prayer, well, I am doing a study on learning to Pray God's Word, but I feel like my prayers just hit the ceiling. I know God wants to bless me and truthfully he already has beyond measure, but I want all of the extras He promises too! I'm just so angry and so frustrated, what is it that I am missing, Lord???

Lord Jesus, I feel so broken and confused. Life is not turning out the way I planned it to be, but I know You have the greater plan. My heart and my mind are so overwhelmed with so many facts, opinions, and thoughts that I can not form a clear thought about anything. I don't like any of the options that were laid before me, Lord, so I guess I need You to tell me what is right in all of this. God, take the fear that is raging inside me and use the energy that is behind it to change my heart, mind, and destroy the UNBELIEF that You are in control. In your sweet name I pray...Amen

Whom Shall I Fear?

Fear, the worst four letter word in the English Language for me. The Bible speaks all about fear, "Fear Not", "The Lord is my Light and My Salvation, Whom shall I fear?". How come I can't just grab hold of the verses and go with them? The Bible Study I have been doing has been talking about strongholds and wanting us to identify the ones that keep us from doing God's Work in our lives and make it a goal to abolish them. For me, the one that immediately popped into my mind is fear. I am afraid of so much. Afraid of failure, afraid of dissapointment, afraid of rejection, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the known. The mountains seem so large, my faith, it seems so small. Sometimes I am so paralyzed by fear, that I can't focus on anything else.

Most recently, my fear is of the known. The doctors want to put me on a medication tomorrow for a couple of weeks that has horrific side effects for me. I only have to take it for two weeks at night, but it feels like an eternity when I am taking it. I try to shift my thoughts to something else like my children, my family, or my friends or church, but, the truth is, when I am alone, the fear consumes my thoughts and threatens to consume me. I have cried and prayed and put it all in God's Hands, so I feel like I should be at peace, but I am not. I know that God has a plan in all of this that I can not see and that it will all work out for His and ultimately my good, but right now I am so afraid.

I know, it could always be much, much worse and for God's Grace and Mercy I am ever so thankful but for some reason I always want more. I know that we are supposed to be content where we are at and count our blessings. I know that. But, I can't make my heart believe what my head already knows. So, for now, I continue to cry and pray until I can't cry and pray anymore. Maybe the trials are to show me that only God can see me through, and that He will. But, if circumstances are not to change and I am to remain in this state forever, I have to learn not to fear and to trust God with all of my heart.

"Abba Father, I need You like never before. My heart and my mind are consumed with fear instead of being consumed with You. Father, I ask that you bless the hands of the doctors and give them the wisdom and knowledge to help stop the pain and confusion, but Lord if it is not Your Will, help me to be content where I am at. You are the Great Physician and the Healer and You promise to never leave or forsake me. Help me know you are near. Help me to know that you are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower and very present help in time of need. God help my unbelief. In your sweet name I pray...

With Faith Like a Child...

Faith Like a Child...that is how God asks that we come before Him, believing in our hearts what we already know in our heads to be true, that He is all that we need in life. If everything here on earth were to be taken away from us and all we are left with is the faith in knowing that He is Lord and will provide all our needs, that is supposed to be enough. But, is it? I would venture to say that most of us would be reluctant to give up everything we have and trust that He is going to provide for us.

Last Wednesday began AWANA at our church and Andrew was so excited! He is a Cubbie now and that means he is in the big boy class. He went right into his group and joined his new big friends and did everything he was told to do without any problems. When I went to pick him up, he was so excited, he wanted to do his "homework" as soon as we got home. He took his little booklet he was given to the table and a pencil and wanted me to read him the verse so he could learn it. There was such excitement as he recited, "God Loved Us and Sent His Son". Then came, "Jesus Loves Me." After he recited, "Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves Me", he said, "Done". It was very cute but as I thought about it and the confidence there in his voice, it was if God was saying to me, I sent Jesus to die for you and I love you and that is enough. I believe it in my head but sometimes my heart is selfish and has trouble believing it. God help my unbelief! Help me to know that you are "enough" actually, "more than enough" for me. Restore that childlike faith to my head and my heart so that I no longer fear the storms around me because I know that you are Lord of All and that you are in control no matter what happens.

I wonder if you have that same excitement that Andrew has about learning God's Word, do you rush home to learn new verses or do you dust off your Bible on Sunday Morning so you will have it for church?

Back to School?

Well, it's an idea I have been tossing around in my head for a while now-whether or not to finish school. I started to West Georgia College in 1995 straight out of Newnan High School. I had hopes and dreams of becoming a teacher. After starting college, I decided to change my major to Psychology because I was fascinated by other people's problems and how Psychology answered them. It was not long after I started my first couple of courses, however, that I realized that it was difficult to mix Psychology and God. Not impossible, mind you, but difficult. I knew it wasn't my calling to say the least. So, I changed back to Early Childhood Education. That was it, I had made my decision, or so I thought. In the Fall of 2003, I took an Intro to Special Ed class and fell in love with the occupation. How precious to God and everyone else the children I worked with are! And you know what, they needed love and I have plenty to give. So, there you have it, I changed my major to Special Education that Fall, with the intent of going back to school full time in the Spring to finish with my Bachelor's Degree. Little did I know, God had other plans for wonderful child number two to come into our lives and Michael Andrew Ellsworth was born on November 5, 2004. Now that Andrew is a little older and starting school next Fall, I am praying about going back to school once again to finish what I started. If all goes well and it is in God's Plan, I will finish in a couple of years and become the teacher I always dreamed of being! Until then, I am continuing to volunteer and mentor in the school where Maddie attends Second Grade. As of today, though, I put in a couple of questions in hopes of getting a lead on financial aid and readmission.

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out, the picture is of Michael, my husband and Andrew, my son. Now you can get an idea of where my children get their height from. :)

The Beginning of my journey

Good Saturday Morning! As I begin this journey in writing, I guess I should share a little about me and how this all got started. I must tell you that I have been participating in a Bible Study over the last few months and a lot of them have blogs and it all looked like fun so with much encouragement, I thought I'd give it a shot.

As I said, I am a stay at home mom of the two beautiful children you see in the picture, Maddie is 7 and Andrew is 3. I am also married to Michael and if I can find a picture of him I may try to post it later. I just happen to think my children make cuter pictures so I thought I'd post one of them first. :)

I grew up in church from the time I was five and thought that I had that life changing experience of salvation at the age of 14. It was only through a Bible Study by Beth Moore, "Daniel" that God revealed to me a little over a year ago that I was not saved. I asked Jesus into my heart on February 27, 2007 and what an amazing ride it has been ever since! I have met many new wonderful Christian Friends through Bible Study and God continues to bless me daily through them. There have been a few bumps and bruises along the way, even some storms, but I am reminded daily how much fresher and how much more vibrant things look after the rain!

I was also told by the doctors a couple of months ago that I have a condition for which I need to lose weight to avoid other serious health problems that it may cause in the near future. Dieting and exercise are not my strong points by nature so I am also hoping that through my journaling I will feel more accountable and try harder. I will post pictures periodically of myself to show my progress because I know that in Christ I can do all things and this time I am going to honor my temple and lose the weight I need to lose to keep myself healthy!

So, that's a little about me...Have a wonderful weekend!