A Little More God and a Lot Less Church

Okay, so I know that sounds kind of weird. But, here is where my thoughts have been for quite some time now on church. I don't want this to sound bad, but I feel like I am there more than I am home, and I really know little more than I did before I left to go about the God that I serve. We have Sunday School and Sunday Morning Service, Choir Practice and Sunday Evening Service, Monday Night FAITH and Wednesday Night Awanas. I could have signed up for softball if I wanted to, and that would make four nights a week. Don't know if all of this is because my life feels like such a mess right now and I am resentful, or if it is true. But, I feel like church has lost it's meaning some for me. Like it is nothing more than a contest and fellowship to see who is the best. I leave most days feeling condemned rather than convicted. Countless drama is always surrounding what is supposed to be the most sacred of places that we can meet here on earth. The talk in the church is about the latest mess ups in people's lives and the latest happenings, rarely about serving God. It's like people think that they are saved and they need to do nothing more to get into Heaven, so they don't try. There are cliques everywhere and everyone wants to be in the other's business. Guess I am sort of on overload. But, I thought that we come to church for the fellowship, yes, but most importantly, to reach and teach the lost and disciple the younger ones in Christ that are there with us and outside the walls. Just one look around at all of the faces and eyes and you can see the sadness and disappointment that lies within and you will know that we are not sharing Jesus and binding up the brokenhearted.

What happened to wanting more of Jesus? Now it seems it is every man for himself and we are there just as a social gathering. If we get to loud in my class playing a game, the children's director comes over and says that we may be offending the adult class next door so we need to keep it down. What happened to using whatever method necessary for teaching about salvation in Christ? Why is everyone worried about pleasing others and not God? Isn't it true that if we please God, then that is all that matters and it will please most people anyway? Tithes and offerings are down, but the demand for help from the church is up. God raises up kingdoms and takes them down, and I don't want to be part of a kingdom that He chooses to take down. Times are growing increasingly evil and I am afraid we are getting less and less prepared for the battle that is about to begin. I am afraid that as a church and probably safe to say as a nation, that we are slowly letting our guard down. Lord help us all.

Father God, help me to seek you always. Help me not to get caught up in the latest gossip, and help me to realize that it is not all about me, but it truly is ALL ABOUT YOU, Jesus. Help our church and our nation to put on the spiritual armor necessary for the battle that has already begun. In your sweet name I pray...

I Will Not Be Moved

I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved. I will make mistakes, I will face heartaches, but I will not be moved. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved. These are the words to one of my new favorite songs by Natalie Grant-"I Will Not Be Moved." This morning they fall fresh and new on my heart as if I haven't heard the song over and over again, but for the first time. My heart is so heavy and so confused. My life is a mess right now, many things I once held sacred seem to be crumbling around me. But, let's face it, life is just plain hard. Sure, it is full of mountaintop experiences that we would never trade for anything, but it is also full of disappointments and valleys, some that we would trade and some not. My life is so not what I dreamed or planned at the moment, in fact, it is probably almost opposite. But, I am trying to come to the realization that God indeed has the better plan and He is working things for His Good. As the old hymn says, "Farther along we'll know all about it, farther along we'll understand why".

I found myself thinking about how I don't deserve all of the chaos and trial that is going on around me, but then I thought, you know what? I truly deserve to die. Truth be known, we all do and it is only by God's Grace and by Jesus's death on the cross that we aren't dead in our sin. So, today I am choosing to turn my eyes and my heart to Jesus, to thank Him for His Love and His Mercy. To thank Him for the confusion and pain because it means I can feel and that I am alive and so blessed when I truly deserve so much less. To say, here I am Lord, use me. Make me a willing vessel, to be poured out and filled with more of You. Make me the salt and light of the world that You intend me to be. Even if it means I have to go through the fire, I'd rather go through the fire with You, Lord, than to walk in the most beautiful and humanly safest places without you.

Thank You, Lord, that You choose to love me...in Your Precious Name I pray...

A Fragile Heart

Don't really know why I am writing, maybe just to jot down some of the many thoughts and feelings that keep running through my head. Today my heart just feels so fragile. So many things burden me to pray. My heart is full of that old familiar feeling of fear today. My friend commented last night that the Bible says 365 times to Fear Not. Well, this year has 366 days so that leaves one day uncovered, right? But seriously, so much is unknown. Test results and more tests tomorrow, issues with church that could cause yet another split, friends that are going through horrible situations and a couple that are battling divorce. So much hurt and so much uncertainty. So hard to realize that none of this surprises God and that He means nothing for our harm but plans to prosper us through it all.

I have always had what is considered a fragile heart I suppose. I have always been tenderhearted, easily hurt and have always had this strange ability to feel and see pain in others even if there is an outward expression of happiness. Like when you are with them, something just doesn't feel right. I am learning day by day, and moment by moment that my fragile heart is what keeps me drawing near to God. I find myself praying for God to break my heart more and more, something that most people probably don't pray for. But, it's in that broken or fragile state that so much growth and learning occurs. The first time I had my heart broken by God was a little over a year ago when I got saved and it was the most incredibly painful, yet the most awesome feeling I have ever experienced. He has broken it many times since then and I have learned to pray for my enemies and out of that have experienced forgiveness toward them and love for them that I could not have just conjured up on my own. I have learned through trial that sometimes trial is meant to bring God Glory, not necessarily that you have done anything wrong. I have also learned that trials increase humility in me and I am more apt to give credit to God than myself for the little accomplishments. I wish I could say that I am to the point that I am praying for God to give me anything that brings Him Glory, but I have yet to arrive there. I am still selfish and still human and I want everything to just be all right.

So today, in the fragile state that I find myself, I am yet again seeking God's Help and His Face to know that He knows my every thought and my every fear and that He is indeed in control and plans for this to all be for His Good. I don't want to waste a minute on pity or myself, I want to learn what God has planned for me to learn in this. I must use this fear to learn trust and not let it consume me as it so often does. Satan knows my weaknesses, but he can not see my thoughts and I am not giving him victory on this one.

Father God, You know my thoughts, You know my fears, You know what I need before I even ask. Lord, Help me to get what You want me to get from all of this, help me to allow myself to be broken so that I can glean from all of this what You wish for me to get. In your sweet name I pray...

Be Still and Know...

Be Still-one of my favorite songs we sing in the choir. Today that message really hits home. I am an incredibly anxious person. I always have to be moving and I always want answers and I want them an hour before I ask the question. But, today, God tells me to wait. I am currently working on memorizing Psalm 40 in which the first verse says, "I waited patiently on the Lord and He turned to me and heard my cry." Patience is so hard, but it is something that God wants us to develop, especially in our relationship with Him. In this day and time, it's hard to be still for five minutes, much less for the time that God asks when He wants to teach us something. We are always so busy, running from here to there and doing this and that and getting seemingly nothing done.

The lyrics of the song say to "Be Still and know that He is God, Be still and know that He is Holy. Consider all that He has done, Stand in awe and be amazed, and know that He will never change." So, why is it so difficult to listen for the quiet still small voice of God? After all, when God appeared to Elijah on the mountain, it wasn't through the fire or the rushing wind, it was through a quiet gentle breeze. Sometimes God just wants us to sit and listen. Luci Swindoll had a message at Women of Faith last year entitled, "Sit down, Shut up, and Let go." I think that is what God wants me to do. Sit down and listen to Him, shut up because I am not hearing Him, and let go of the control I am trying to have over every situation. I am having a hard time waiting. I am waiting for test results and I am waiting with friends who are waiting for test results and I want them now and I want them to be all right. I know that time and time again God has proven faithful to make every situation all right, but what if this time everything is not all right?

Lord, help me to trust You today and help me to just Be Still and Know. Help me to spend the time that You desire in Your Word and in waiting on You. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

For the Glory of God...

Okay, so I looked up the term revive in the dictionary and it means "to bring back to life". This week at our church is Revival. I learned a few days ago that apparently that is an occasion only had in a Baptist Church, but I have grown up Baptist and not been much elsewhere so how was I to know? Anyway, the word has really got me thinking. Obviously we are not literally raising people from the dead this week, that would just be creepy. But, what about those who are dead in their faith? Those who once believed in a God that could work miracles and that any and everything was possible with Him? What happens in a person's life that brings them to the point of spiritual death? Could it be that they prayed and prayed for something and they felt like God was either not listening or just didn't care? Could it be that they have lost something or someone so precious that they are angry with Him because they don't understand why He took something or someone they thought they couldn't live without?

The pastor this week has touched my heart with the reason I sometimes feel spiritually dead, it is my unbelief. My unbelief that God could truly love someone as wretched as me. He made the statement that if you don't believe that God loves you in the good times, you are going to have a hard time trusting that He will see you through the bad times. I mean, if you don't believe someone loves you, you aren't going to believe that he or she is going to help you in your time of trouble and humanly speaking, they generally don't, do they? But that's the thing about God. God has that Agape love that no matter who we are, where we are, where we've been, or what we've done, He is there to meet our every need and most of our wants. He knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows what we need and don't need.

Sometimes our trials are like the death of Lazarus, so the Glory of God may be seen through the situation. Had Lazarus not died and been in the grave for 4 days before Jesus commanded him raised from the dead, God would not have been glorified and people would have still suffered from the sin of unbelief. Sometimes they are like Paul and Silas while they were in the prison, so that just one person may come to know our Jesus through our pain and suffering.

So I guess my question is, do you truly believe that God loves you no matter what? Are you willing to suffer or go through trials with Him so that He can be glorified or so that just one person may come to know Jesus as his/her Savior? Trust Him and believe Him today, that He loves you unconditionally.

John 3:16-For God so loved (your name) that He gave His one and only Son, that if (your name) believed in Him, (your name)should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Lord, help my unbelief. In your sweet name I pray...

Granddaddy's Hands

Okay, so I know the title of the song is really "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn but how fitting it is today. Yesterday was Homecoming at church and though it was nice to take time to celebrate the church's 168th anniversary with family and friends, it had a certain sadness there for me. Homecoming makes me think of my beloved Granddaddy that has been gone home to live with Jesus for 2 years now. Oh, how I really miss him!

Granddaddy had the biggest hands of anyone I've ever seen in my life! He wasn't a particularly large man, about average height and weight, but the years of hard work made his hands larger. He wore a size 14 in a ring! The jewelers had to custom make him a wedding ring. His hands may have been calloused and rough, but oh the love that was in them. I was the first grandchild, and yes, the only granddaughter on that side of the family so I was the joy of his heart. He taught me at a very young age to play ball, which I have loved all of my life. He took me on my very first trip to Six Flags as a kid, and boy did I ever fall in love with that place. We had a little plastic car and a Little People Bus that he would sit and play with us with and we always pretended we were taking a trip to Six Flags. In my teen years, he would become a nuisance because he followed me to school to find out where I parked and if he didn't like it, he'd ask me to park somewhere else. I understand now that he was trying to protect me, but then he was an embarrassment.

As a young adult, when I felt unlovely or even ugly, all I had to do was to be around my Granddaddy and he would lift me up by telling me how beautiful I was. He always made sure to tell me two or three times before we parted, "I love you youngin' " . Oh, how I took that love for granted so often.

But, the greatest thing I remember about my Granddaddy is the love he had for Jesus. It showed all over his face and he didn't mind telling others about Him either. Oh, and I forgot to mention, my Granddaddy was the first to ever take us to church and the first to introduce me to Jesus. Rarely a weekend passed that we didn't spend Saturday Night with Nanny and Granddaddy and go to church on Sunday Morning. After church, we would go back to his house where Nanny had lunch prepared and he would talk to me, my brother, and my cousin about church and about Jesus. As I look back today, I am so grateful for a Granddaddy that was willing to seem weird and uncool to his grandchildren just to share the Awesome Love of Christ with them. I wouldn't go on to truly accept Jesus as my Savior until I was 30 years old, but the foundation was laid early on in my formative years.

Granddaddy's favorite song was "One Day at a Time" and that is exactly how he lived life. When I found out that he was sick and was going to die because there was no treatment effective for the type of cancer he had, I stood and sang that song in church one Sunday Night and watched him clap and my Nanny cry the entire time. It was all that I could do to hold it together to make it through. He later asked me if I would sing that song at his funeral, but, I just couldn't do it. I loved him too much. For a while, I kicked myself for not singing it, but now I realize that he probably wanted me to sing it more for me than for him. More to bring healing for the pain he knew I'd experience.

But, as I think today about the love of my Granddaddy's hands, I can't help but think about the love of my Heavenly Father's Hands. He paints for me every morning a beautiful portrait in the sky and I awaken to new mercies every day. He longs to tell me He loves me and how beautiful He thinks I am. He delights in me! His hands are big too, even bigger than my Granddaddy's and big enough to wrap around me to comfort me when I am sad, and to clap in excitement with me when I am happy. Like my Granddaddy, He longs for me to know Him more. He desires that I take life "One Day at a Time" because He wants me to enjoy every day He has given me, through pain and sadness or through Joy and happiness. May I never develop an embarrassment for him, though, that I developed in those years for my Granddaddy.

Heavenly Father I just thank you today for the life of my Granddaddy. Thank you for the man that was truly willing to risk it all to make sure I knew about you. Thank you for the love that he showed me unconditionally and that he made me feel loved through it all. Lord You know how I miss him so, how I long to just hear him tell me he loves me just one more time, but You also give me more comfort than he was ever capable of doing and were it not for losing him when I thought it was too early, I would not have sought You and ultimately accepted You as my Lord and Savior. God, may you provide everyone with a "Granddaddy" in their life, someone who is not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ and not ashamed to share it with others. Make me that someone that is not ashamed. In your sweet name I pray...