Give me a willing heart...

Lord, give me a willing heart
and Lord, give me a brand new start.
Create in me, a love that's real,
and give me a willing heart.

Don't know why, but a lot of old songs and choruses have been popping in my head lately. This one is a chorus that I learned at "Super Wow" when I was twelve years old. But, you know what? It speaks to me today just as freshly as it did that day in June long ago.

Makes me think about just how stubborn I am. Makes me think about how many times, including now, that God is trying to speak to my heart, but everything seems to stop in my head. Like there is a problem in transmission. Change is difficult, oh how difficult!!! And, I get so scared. I wonder so many times if God really sees. But, like I heard in our Bible Study Video the other night, We have a difficult time following Jesus if we live in a life of fear. Ouch!!! I know that God is trying to change me, I know that He is trying to mold me and make me into something so much better, but oh how I have been fighting Him. Why do I do that? I know that His Ways are so much better than mine. Why do I get so scared, so consumed, so overwhelmed?

Lord, I have tried on my own to do this thing called life alone so many times. I can feel Your tug at my heart strings so often, but Lord, I am not always willing to listen. God sometimes change is just scary. But, You did not call me to a life of fear. God, take my heart and make me willing. Willing to be subject to Your Will and willing to let You change me and mold me into whatever You want me to be. You are the Potter and I am indeed the clay. Take the fear and replace it with the peace that only comes from knowing You. Draw me close to You and never let me go!!! In Your Sweet Name I pray...

The Puzzle of Life

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. We start out at birth, a beautiful picture and whole. Then, as time goes on, life cuts us into pieces. Sometimes those pieces all fall apart and look like the puzzle when you first get it out of the box. All jumbled, all mixed up. Don't get me wrong, you can look at the pieces and tell they were once whole, that they once fit together, but you know it will take work and time to bring some semblance of order again. Like the puzzle, we tend to want to work on the outside pieces first. They are the ones that seem most clearly defined, there are fewer of them and they have edges that clearly tell you that they belong on the outside. Those outside pieces give us our shell, the place where the rest of the pieces have to come together. When we get all of the outside pieces together, there is pride, and it gives us hope that the rest of the pieces will eventually fall into order on the inside. You see, sometimes we can even put the outside pieces together ourselves. But, like the outside of the puzzle, we are empty until the inside somehow comes together. I think sometimes for a while, we can live with just the outside pieces and have people think that we all have it together, but eventually we will prove empty and fragile and crumble. You see, that outside of that puzzle is fragile and gets its strength from its inner pieces and will eventually crumble without them.

I think that is where God does the work. We tend to seek Him most when our outside crumbles. When we don't "have it all together" anymore. Our insides are again vulnerable and when the whole world goes out on us and we truly fall apart, we know that He is, indeed, the only one that can put us back together again. Then, when we have allowed Him to make us whole again, we form a beautiful picture that hopefully looks a lot like Jesus. We aren't perfect by far, because you see, like that puzzle, we have many cracks and jagged edges. But, it is those cracks and jagged edges that make us beautiful and human, just as the cracks and edges of a puzzle make it a puzzle. And, you know what else about those cracks? When we are exposed to the Light of Jesus, He begins to shine through them just as artificial light to puzzle cracks.

My question is, "Why Bother?" Why bother pretending we have it all together on the outside, when we know that that shell of a person will eventually crumble without the One and Only Jesus working on our inside to make us whole again?

Father God, my heart feels like the pieces of a puzzle. Help me to crumble before You, so that You can begin to put my pieces back together again. Help me to realize that those cracks of imperfection are what make me beautiful and allow Your Light to shine through, for without You, there is only darkness. Father, help me to refrain from trying to keep it together on the outside, help me to not worry about what others think of me. Help me to be vulnerable to Your Holy Spirit working through and in me. Come make me whole, Father, as only You know how...In Your Sweet Name I pray...

Cleaning up the mess...Picking up the pieces

Today I find myself reflecting. The other day, Madilyn told me the one thing that she wanted for me to give her for Valentine's Day is a clean room. My first inclination was to get angry. I told her I refused to clean her messes anymore, she was old enough to clean up after herself and needs to learn some responsibility. She then asked me if I would just "help" her clean her room. You see, she ALWAYS promises to keep her room clean when I spend the hours cleaning it and without fail, sometimes not even five minutes later, it is a mess again. And, I don't mean a small mess, I mean the kind of mess that you can not find the floor or the bed for. The kind where there are toys and clothes everywhere, some dirty, some clean and bits and broken pieces of toys and crayons and such. Sometimes scattered pieces of toys just waiting to be put back into the right places. She told my mother once that she thought it was my job to clean up her room. She said that cleaning was just too hard. Whoa, did we have a talk after that one!!!

But, then just this morning it hit me just how like me she is. How many times have I taken my life, made a big mess and then just expected God to clean it up for me? Sometimes I forget to even ask Him, just as often Madilyn forgets to ask me and sometimes He does it anyway just as I do it for Madilyn. It also hit me how many times I have asked Him to clean it up, and without fail or question, He does just that. You see, sometimes when I try to make sweet Madilyn help me clean, she makes a bigger mess than what we started with. I wonder if God thinks the same thing of me sometimes, when I try to "help" Him, I wonder if He is thinking I am just making a bigger mess? Sometimes I forget to just open my heart to God and let Him clean my messes and pick up the scattered pieces.

Lord, help me to know when to let You help me clean up the mess and put back the broken scattered pieces, and when I should just sit back and let You do all of the work. Help me to have the kind of understanding for my children that You have for me, that when life is just too much, just like Madilyn's room gets to be too much for her to clean, help me to take over and clean up their messes like I should. Lord, I know that learning comes from doing also, so help me to distinguish when it is time for me to help, and when I need to just get out of the way. Thank You for Your Grace and that Your Mercies are new each and every day! I love You, Jesus. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

Patience is a Virtue

I waited patiently upon the Lord
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet upon a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40:1-2

I've always heard the saying, "Patience is a Virtue". I believe that wholeheartedly, especially when it comes to waiting on God's Timing. I don't, however, think that patience is something we are born with. You see, I tend to be a hurry up and get it done type of person. Waiting feels like it will kill me sometimes. I want answers and I want them now. I think that is only human, but it isn't what God calls us to. Sometimes I think it takes getting to the bottom of that pit for us to look up, face dirty and tear stained, feet cracked and dusty, and hands empty and lifted high as a child reaching for his mother or father to pick him up.

It takes brokenness for us to finally look up and say, "Lord, here am I." It is only in brokenness and desperation that we truly surrender our all to our Maker. It is in our brokenness that we long to be made whole. In our brokenness and sadness we learn patience and worship. Brokenness is something that we should long for.

Father God, I thank you for my brokenness. I thank you for the sadness. Teach me Lord to lift my hands and worship you. Help me to surrender and Lord, help me to wait patiently on You. I know that You are the Only One that can lift me up. Keep my eyes on You, Lord and my heart open to Your Lessons. In Your Sweet Name I pray...