Daddy's Hunting Buddy

Yesterday was Andrew's first hunting trip. He put on his camouflage, his hunting boots, and his orange vest that is as big as he is and headed off with his daddy to the hunting land. Michael said he was totally into the whole experience. He took the binoculars and looked for deer the whole time. He finally saw a spike come out from the woods and shot at it and hit it with his BB gun. He was so proud, he thought he had killed him! He also got to see two deer doing what he called wrestling and we call mating, something Michael says he has never seen in one of his hunting experiences. I am so proud of my little hunter and how cute he is getting to be!

Be anxious for nothing...

That is what the scripture says, "Be anxious for NOTHING". That is, however anything but where I am. I feel like a two ton elephant is standing right in the middle of my chest and I can't breathe. I am so overwhelmed I don't know what end is up. I don't want to pray anymore, I don't want to read scripture anymore, all I want to do is, well, NOTHING. I feel like I am just existing sometimes, like I am just going through the motions and barely getting by. I know that this is not the life that God intended for me.

I told some people yesterday that I had in my mind if I were praying fervently and if I were reading more scripture, everything else would fall into place. Well, I tried that and it didn't and I have quit. I know that God is not going to leave me nor forsake me, but I have left Him. I feel so empty, and yet so full all at the same time. In my head I know I should want to press on, but in my heart, I just don't. There is supposedly all of this movement of the Holy Spirit going on in our church, but for the life of me, I can't feel It anymore. I feel nothing.

I am developing into this person that I do not recognize. I have anger that I did not know existed, and it scares me to death. I scream at my children for the least little things, and the fear in their eyes is almost unbearable for me. I cry in frustration because I want to stop, but I can't. I honestly hate the person I am becoming. I know that I am definitely not who God planned me to be right now.

I was asked yesterday to help lead a Bible Study at church. Part of me thinks that it may be God trying to draw me back to Him, and the other part thinks that maybe I should be taught instead of leading this time. I am, after all, the youngest in the group and I am supposed to learn from the older women, right?

So, where to go from here? I have no idea. But, I am writing it down so that if God does happen to bring me to the other side of this valley, I can see Him more clearly and see His hand print all over me.

Help Me Lord, for I can no longer feel Your Presence...

My Baby Boy is Four

My beautiful baby boy turned four years old this morning! He is the one in the middle, Andrew. Hard to believe that he will be starting school next year. He is such a mama's boy! And such a miracle from God!

I remember all too well the day Andrew was born. I had chosen to have him by C-section because I had labored with his sister Maddie for three days and still ended up with a c-section. Anyway, we checked into Southern Regional Hospital at 5:30 on the morning of November 5, 2004. We were to be the second surgery, but the first didn't show up so we got bumped to 7:15. After the catheter and spinal block, we were all set to go. The doctor talked the entire time about how it was her first time doing the c-section the way she did it. What a comfort that was to know that I was her guinea pig-LOL. Anyway, after about 30 minutes, out came Michael Andrew Ellsworth. He was measured at 8 lbs and 16 ounces and 21 inches long. He was my "little" baby. He was screaming and beautiful and perfect. Then something happened. When they took him to the nursery, he started to have breathing difficulty. So, in walks the nurse while I am still in surgery to proclaim that Andrew was in the NICU. I have never been so scared, and so sad in my life. After they sewed me up, they took me by the NICU to see him and, still drunk and quite sick from the spinal block, I saw my beautiful baby with 3 heads and 4 arms, but I could tell he had monitors all over him. Then, I vaguely remember the nurse saying they thought he had a heart problem. But, prayer from all around was being heard in Heaven and by midnight that night, my baby was ready to go to the regular nursery and was declared healthy-Praise the Lord!

Andrew has a mind of his own, I joke about how he was stubborn from birth. He is constantly trying to convince you of why things should go his way and not yours. And, you know what? Sometimes he is just so darn cute that I let him win! He loves any kind of sport and anything that is boyish and a little mischevious. He recently joined the children's choir at church and is always singing songs about Jesus, and whether he has the words exactly right or not, he thinks they are. Through his little voice singing and talking about Jesus, I am reminded of how my Jesus loves even me.

Happy Birthday Andrew! Mommy loves you so much! Now I guess we are off to make cupcakes for Cubbies tonight to celebrate! :)

There is a reason for every season...

Where to begin? Life is just plain tough. I don't know how else to say it. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed, and I don't know what to do. Prayer and scripture reading used to be an automatic for me, now they seem more like just another thing on my list of chores. And, you know what? I KNOW better. I know I should be reading more and praying more. How am I to stand on God's Word if I don't know what His Word says? That is one of my downfalls, I have a hard time praying when life gets tough. I have a hard time reading the Bible when life gets tough. I just feel so distant, so empty. So hurt, and so very scared. I don't understand why a God so kind and loving allows people to go through so much pain. All the people I know to be close to the Lord have experienced incredible trials, yet still stand firm in the Faith. How come I don't do that?

Could it possibly be that God has a reason for this season in life? Could it be that when I get to the next season in life, that I am going to look back and see His Mighty Hand all over it? Psalm 3:3 says that God is the Lifter of My Head, and right now I could truly use my head being lifted. I am falling so short in so many areas. Almost deliberate sin if you will. But, I have found these things to be comfort and found them to be survival, and I am having a hard time breaking free from that bondage. I need so badly to see my body as the temple for God, but instead I live as if it is my own and it is unlovely and unlovable. I feel myself slipping away from God, but I can't seem to find my way back. I need to see myself through God's Eyes and take the blinders off of my own. I feel so empty and so scared and so alone-even though I am not.

Father God please empty me and fill me with Your Perfect Undying Love. My heart is so full and I am so broken. Help me to see myself through your eyes and help me to turn around and be the woman You created me to be. Help me to leave the sin that so easily ensnares me and to find my comfort and peace in you. In your sweet name I pray...