God is not Surprised

Wow-it has been quite a weekend! One that was filled with some laughter but mostly a lot of tears and anger. Life is sometimes just plain hard and as the Day of Christ draws nearer, I imagine it won't get a whole lot easier. Despite the happenings of the weekend, though, I know one thing that is true. God is not a bit surprised. He knew that one of my dearest friends would betray me and then lie to my face about it in such a way that it was undeniable that she was lying. He knew that one side of my family would turn against the other in anger to the point that one even refused to pray for the other. He knew that though we are stuck in the middle, we have to remain neutral. He knew that the children are the ones that will suffer. You know what? He even allowed it all to happen. So why now, with my knowledge that God is not surprised and that He allows all things to happen for a reason, do I feel such anger, disappointment, and sadness? Why do I feel so helpless and so responsible for things that I have absolutely no control over?

Lord, I just don't understand. Seems sometimes one thing happens right after another and it seems there is no time to breathe in between. Trust is so hard to come by, Lord and when someone dear to me betrays that trust, I just want to retreat even further inside myself. Lord, family is supposed to be the one group of people you can turn to but, Lord, even they have turned against each other now. Help me, Lord. Show me Your Plan. Show me Your Ways and teach me to walk in them. Come make me whole, Lord as only You know how to do. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

I Don't Wanna Be...

A Camouflage Christian. Okay, go with me here for a minute, I know I haven't written in a long time, but I haven't totally lost it-yet. Being married to a hunter and having a little boy that is, well, all little boy, I get to see plenty of camouflage items. Yesterday I began to ponder as Andrew put on his little camouflage boots, what is the meaning of camouflage? You say, "To blend in and not be noticed in your surroundings, right?" That's why all the money and careful time spent on material and clothing that makes you difficult and hopefully impossible to see by whatever you are hunting in the woods. My husband paints even his eyes sometimes so they can not be seen and does something with doe urine, I don't want to know what though-LOL.

But what if we were to take that concept and apply it to our Spiritual Lives? What if we were talking about people that profess Christianity on Sunday but live like the devil during the week? What if people were not ashamed of Jesus on Sunday morning where it is popular to worship and speak His Name, but during the week they did all they could to be careful not to "offend" anyone with their beliefs and even did everything they could to fit in even if it meant sacrificing integrity? What if people didn't look at us and see something different, something desirable? I believe that is what is happening in the world today, in our own back yards. I know that life isn't easy, but Jesus did not call us to an easy life. He simply called us to follow Him. Following Him is getting increasingly more unpopular in this world, but oh, the rewards we will have waiting on us if we do! Jesus told us that it is impossible to serve two masters and God tells us that He will not share His Glory with another. So, today I will do whatever I can to follow after Jesus. I will not be camouflaged for the sake of blending in. In this world, I will have struggles, and boy are they hard, but my rewards in Heaven will be worth it all! I want to live for Jesus so that someone else might see Him through me!

Lord, You alone know my heart. You know my struggles, my insecurities, my fears. Lord sometimes it is so hard to be unpopular. Lord please help me to remember Your Perfect Example and what it cost You. You have loved me with an Everlasting Love so help me to strive to show that love to others. Help me to not sacrifice integrity, even when the road is hard. Help me not to be a "Camouflage Christian". I want You to be the first thing people see when they look at me! I love You, Lord. Thank You for loving me...In Your Sweet Name...Amen

A New Song in My Mouth...

Just about every day I wake up with a song in my mind and on my heart. Today that song is, "Your Grace Still Amazes Me". It's a song that we did in choir about two years ago and I had the solo part so it is well engraved in my mind. Truth is, I've been thinking a lot about grace lately. Grace is God's Unmerited Favor that He has toward us. We did nothing to earn it. Truth is, we can do nothing to earn it. Truly amazing that God chooses to give it to us anyway. You know where I fall short? I live in fear that God's Grace only reaches so far and then, zap, I've gone too far. That if I commit that one unimaginable sin, He is waiting to strike me down at any moment. So grateful that His Truth is so much greater than mine and praying for the day that I no longer live in the fear that so often tries to steal my joy.

My Faithful Father
Enduring Friend
Your tender mercy's like a river with no end.
It overwhelms me, covers my sin
Each time I come into Your presence,
I stand in wonder once again.

Cause Your grace, still amazes me
And Your love, is such a mystery
Each day, I fall on my knees
Cause Your grace still amazes me.

Oh Patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the Author and the Healer of my soul
What can I give You
Lord, what can I say?
I know there's no way to repay You
Only to offer You my praise.

Cause Your grace, still amazes me
And Your love, is such a mystery
Each day, I fall on my knees
Cause Your grace still amazes me.

It's deeper, It's wider, It's stronger, It's higher
than anything my eyes can see.

Your grace, It still amazes me
And Your love, is such a mystery
Each day, I fall on my knees
Cause Your grace still amazes me,
Your grace still amazes me.

Father I thank You for Your Grace. I thank You that You so often give me what I don't deserve. I thank You that You will never leave me nor forsake me. I thank You for the new song in my mouth, this hymn of praise to You. Lord, let my words be few, but my praise be plenty. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

One Life to Love...

Almost all of my thoughts stem from songs either current or from childhood. There is just something about music that speaks to my soul like nothing else. Today is no exception to the rule. I was listening to a song that I believe is actually called, "One Life to Love" today and down came the tears like rain. It talks about how we only get one shot at life and only one shot to find the thing we don't want to miss. In the Christian Aspect of it all, that One Thing is God's Love. Even more important to me is my expression or outpouring of God's Love.

I have had the awesome opportunity to make some great friends through an online forum this year, all of whom God has used to impact and change my life in one way or another. I grew up in the same church I am in now and have always had the same rigorous teaching that led me to think that God was angry with me all of the time and that I was only one mistake away from Him zapping me with His Mighty Hand. These ladies have helped open my eyes to see the Love of God like I have never seen before! I see more Jesus in them than I have seen in most people in my lifetime. They have loved me and prayed for me unconditionally and as a result, I can now see that God truly loves me and indeed has a plan for my life!

I have read a couple of books lately and read some things on missions and ministry that have totally changed my way of thinking. I want to use my one life to reflect God's Love to those who aren't as privileged as I am. I want to be "Jesus With Skin On" just like my friends are to me. I realize now that God lead me to the online forum, that it was not by accident that I got there, and that God led me to read the books and stories when I did. I realize that I have not been doing nearly enough for the Cause of Christ and that it is time to step up and show the same love to others that has been shown me.

So right now, I am just praying that God will lead me to someone that I can show His Love to, someone who is broken and hurting like I was. Though my life feels like chaos, I know that God is working in my heart and there is a strange peace that I know only comes from Him.

Father God, show me the way that you would have me go. Fear is not from You, and right now I am rebuking that fear and satan. Help me to use my "One Life to Love". In Your Sweet Name I pray...

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My Only Hope...

My only Hope is You, Jesus
My only Hope is You.
From early in the morning, 'til late at night,
My only Hope is You.

Clinging today to that Only Hope...

Abba Father, I feel so weak and so alone. I have pushed myself into a corner and against a wall and My Only Hope is truly You. As the song says, "I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold onto me, and Savior please, keep saving me." Help me to know that I am held so tightly by You, that I am engraved in the palm of Your Mighty Hands and that You are never gonna let go. Thank You for loving me and for all You have already done in my life and also for what You are going to do. In Your Sweet Name I pray...

"Oh for Grace to Trust Him More..."

Ever think that you have so much going on inside your head that it will explode? Well, that is me, at least at the moment. I guess sometimes I tend to think too much, but today I think it is a combination of me thinking and God trying to speak to me. The song, "Draw Me Close" just keeps playing over and over in my mind and the more I try to fight the tears, the more they fill my eyes. I've had this anger for the last few months I have been unable to figure out. Anger that scares me. Anger that I have unfortunately, fell into sin in many many times. And then, I pray, halfheartedly and sometimes with few words, asking God to help, to draw me out only to fall back into that same sin sometimes minutes later. I immediately begin to beat myself up thinking how God has to be terribly disappointed in me. In fact, a little while ago, I was thinking just that, "God has to be so disappointed in me." Immediately when that popped into my head, I had another "voice" or thought that said that "He delights in me." Don't remember what verse that is from, don't remember what it is about, but I know I have read it in the Bible and therefore it has to be true. You see, that is the ongoing battle within me. I have a head full of knowledge of all kinds of Scripture, all kinds of Biblical Teaching, all sorts of Biblical Truth. I know so much in my head, I can quote lots of verses and I can even give you a lot of "right answers". My problem is unbelief in my heart.

About a week ago, I was at my aunt's house and a book caught my eye. The title is "Redeeming Love" and it is a fictional portrayal of the book of Hosea. I am almost halfway through it and already I have cried so many tears. The main character is/was a harlot and was rescued from her lifestyle by a Godly man that married her and truly showed her the unconditional love that could only come from God. Agape love. The Love that is so deep, and so strong and so real that it matters not what she did or will do, he never leaves her or gives up on her. You see, I think this book was placed in my hands at God's Will and Timing. I think He is trying to tell me to just Trust Him. Life isn't always easy, most of the time, it's just plain hard, but I need to learn to trust Him. He wants me to know that He is not what I have made Him to be in my mind, a God that turns His back when I've done wrong. He wants me to know that I am not one mistake away from Him leaving me this way. He wants me to know that "No Height nor Depth will keep me from His Love and there is No Place too far out of reach." He won't give up on me! Wow, how undeserving I am! My sinful nature cost Him His Son! And just when I try to run the hardest and the fastest from Him, He pursues me even more. Oh How He loves me!

Draw me close to You,
Never let me go.
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend.

You are My Desire
No one else will do.
Cause nothing else could take Your Place
Could feel the warmth of Your Embrace.

Help me find the Way
Bring me back to You.

You're all I want,
You're all I've ever needed.
You're all I want,
Help me know You are near.

Father I thank You for your Unconditional Unfailing Love. I thank You that when I try to run the hardest and fastest from You, You pursue me the most. I thank You that You never leave me nor have You ever forsaken me. Lord, help my unbelief. My sinful nature cost You what was most precious to You, yet You willingly gave. Help me now to trust You. Help me to surrender to You daily. You are All I could ever want and more! Help me to believe in my heart what my head already knows. In Your Sweet Name I pray...