"Oh for Grace to Trust Him More..."

Ever think that you have so much going on inside your head that it will explode? Well, that is me, at least at the moment. I guess sometimes I tend to think too much, but today I think it is a combination of me thinking and God trying to speak to me. The song, "Draw Me Close" just keeps playing over and over in my mind and the more I try to fight the tears, the more they fill my eyes. I've had this anger for the last few months I have been unable to figure out. Anger that scares me. Anger that I have unfortunately, fell into sin in many many times. And then, I pray, halfheartedly and sometimes with few words, asking God to help, to draw me out only to fall back into that same sin sometimes minutes later. I immediately begin to beat myself up thinking how God has to be terribly disappointed in me. In fact, a little while ago, I was thinking just that, "God has to be so disappointed in me." Immediately when that popped into my head, I had another "voice" or thought that said that "He delights in me." Don't remember what verse that is from, don't remember what it is about, but I know I have read it in the Bible and therefore it has to be true. You see, that is the ongoing battle within me. I have a head full of knowledge of all kinds of Scripture, all kinds of Biblical Teaching, all sorts of Biblical Truth. I know so much in my head, I can quote lots of verses and I can even give you a lot of "right answers". My problem is unbelief in my heart.

About a week ago, I was at my aunt's house and a book caught my eye. The title is "Redeeming Love" and it is a fictional portrayal of the book of Hosea. I am almost halfway through it and already I have cried so many tears. The main character is/was a harlot and was rescued from her lifestyle by a Godly man that married her and truly showed her the unconditional love that could only come from God. Agape love. The Love that is so deep, and so strong and so real that it matters not what she did or will do, he never leaves her or gives up on her. You see, I think this book was placed in my hands at God's Will and Timing. I think He is trying to tell me to just Trust Him. Life isn't always easy, most of the time, it's just plain hard, but I need to learn to trust Him. He wants me to know that He is not what I have made Him to be in my mind, a God that turns His back when I've done wrong. He wants me to know that I am not one mistake away from Him leaving me this way. He wants me to know that "No Height nor Depth will keep me from His Love and there is No Place too far out of reach." He won't give up on me! Wow, how undeserving I am! My sinful nature cost Him His Son! And just when I try to run the hardest and the fastest from Him, He pursues me even more. Oh How He loves me!

Draw me close to You,
Never let me go.
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend.

You are My Desire
No one else will do.
Cause nothing else could take Your Place
Could feel the warmth of Your Embrace.

Help me find the Way
Bring me back to You.

You're all I want,
You're all I've ever needed.
You're all I want,
Help me know You are near.

Father I thank You for your Unconditional Unfailing Love. I thank You that when I try to run the hardest and fastest from You, You pursue me the most. I thank You that You never leave me nor have You ever forsaken me. Lord, help my unbelief. My sinful nature cost You what was most precious to You, yet You willingly gave. Help me now to trust You. Help me to surrender to You daily. You are All I could ever want and more! Help me to believe in my heart what my head already knows. In Your Sweet Name I pray...